| Sober, Not Somber |
[08 Jan 2009|08:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
Hello again to my friends, admirers, and loved ones. I apologize to you all for writing so infrequently, but I report with some enthusiasm that the time is ripe for me to punch the keys once again. My will permitting, you may see more frequent updates from me in the future.
Whether as a result of the economic downturn, because of my own actions, or out of sheer happenstance, life has become even more challenging lately:
As I've probably already explained to most of you, I went without a job last May, due mostly to my own dislike for the circumstances surrounding my job and my desire to find something greater. I spent several months enjoying my free time and the plans and aspirations I had set for the summer: a family gathering in Gatlinburg, Bonnaroo, and other events that I can't recall. As the list of activities wound down in August or September, I began pursuing part-time employment once again... and the hunt, which persists to this day, has left a vile taste in my mouth and a gaping hole in my wallet. It just so happens that I started the search around the time that global financial stability crashed, and no matter how desperately I look around or how much I sweet-talk managers, the pursuit shows no signs of luck. I can't even decide which is worse: the near-total lack of jobs I can accommodate, or the several false leads I've been given. My aspirations to find my own car, upgrade some computer hardware, save, and invest in other things are continually postponed. I don't like it one bit, but I do what I can. With a little help and some careful planning, I'm getting by in the meantime.
The financial situation is funny in a grim sort of way, given that I was pulling through with incredible luck this time two years ago. Between college scholarships and social security, I had literally thousands of dollars at my disposal. All of it vanished in the span of a year, and naturally, many of my current issues sprouted almost immediately after I started scouring dirt for coins. I think to myself so often, if only I had saved some money for times like these... though all I've learned about money management doesn't amount to much when I have no money to manage! Really, though, what can I do at the moment other than laugh it off? I'm at least fortunate that I have no pressing debt, only the need to spend and spend wisely.
On a different note, I remain with my hetero life mate Brian after a staggering two and a half years. We fled from our hovel at UT Martin back in '07, and I stayed a few nights with him afterward... and a few nights turned into life since then. We have our occasional clashes, and his parents are probably very curious when I plan to finally take flight, but everything has been swell enough. I reside here out of convenience and a love for my friends, and I'm mostly able to fend for myself. What worries me about all this is that Brian's father's work opportunities have dried up considerably, so much that I fear for my future here and the family's future both. I don't think they'll have to resort to anything drastic, but I'm keeping an eye out regardless. Ernie (the dad) is generally a cautiously optimistic man, and I don't doubt his ability to pull through, so things will likely pan out. In the meantime, I continue to push forward with my own aspirations. I hope to shake up living arrangements for myself within the next year, but I don't want to step out too soon either. I'll do what I can here for now.
My current scholastic endeavors are going... somewhere. I'm in my fifth trimester at the Tennessee Technology Center of Hohenwald, studying what they like to call Computer Information Technology. Basically, I'm gearing up to tackle nearly every facet of network support maintenance. I feel that I have some catching up to do, however. My grades have been well above sufficient since I started attending in September '07, but my actual progress has been hampered by my own poor pacing. We don't tear through assignments up to the day they say we're fit to graduate – basically, the course is a comprehensive (well, arguably) review of certain fields and certifications. We aren't certified to do anything by a menacing class-inclusive final test; instead, we take certification exams administered by an outside source so that it can be determined whether or not we're suited for work in the field. I have been a bit slow in obtaining these certifications, though to be fair to myself, I will say that most of my peers have been progressing at the same pace or even slower. I did finally obtain my Network+ certification, however! The achievement was made about a year later than it could have been, but that I secured it at all is a comforting testament to my ability to do something. I am pleased with that much. If I can secure about four more certifications, I'll be eligible to actually graduate the class and I'll be prepared to find a respectable job. All that really troubles me other than my slow launch is my funding for the classes; I may be mistaken, but I believe my grant runs dry as of next trimester. I'm not entirely sure what I'm talking about, granted, but if that's the case then I may have to resort to studying on my own time and my own terms after April. I'll try and see to it that everything works out well.
I've nearly run out of matters to discuss for now – much to your relief, I'm sure – but I would like to cover a recent development that troubles me. Perhaps it's not so much a development as it is a realization... when it comes to conflict resolution, I have a split personality. Perhaps I have no “split personality” in the medical sense, but my actions and reactions fluctuate wildly based on seemingly indeterminate factors. When a conflict or crisis arises, I'm often hot-headed and contemptuous. I'm almost completely blind to my own faults and overly scathing of the opposition I face. Several people are like this, I know. Several people remain this way or choose to drop the subject and avoid approaching it again. I often find myself pondering and working on these issues for days or weeks at a time, since I can't stand to let anything escape unresolved. I analyze what I've done and why others may act the way they do, and I try to make amends and handle the dilemma calmly. I try for a while, at least. With no consistency or reason, I often turn enraged and spiteful all over again, making unreasonable demands and telling myself that I haven't stood my ground strongly enough. Following that, I may play nice once again, and before long I find myself in a struggle with myself to determine how I should approach the problems at hand. This has been an issue for quite some time, but only lately have I contemplated it in depth. Said contemplation can be attributed to my recent experiences with someone I care for very deeply. I want so much to overcome this, I'm hellbent on doing so, bound and determined to stay level-headed as much as I can. I worry that my efforts may have come too late, but I will strive to better myself no matter what.
Don't assume that all is doom and gloom, that I think I'm trapped in a hole I'll never escape from. That's far from the truth these days. Sure, I'm still a cynic – my mantra remains “hope for the best and prepare for the worst!” – but my outlook is much more realistic now, and I mean that in the best way possible. I can't be troubled forever. It may take much longer than I'd like for everything to improve, but I've found that surrendering only hinders my situations, never helps. Here's to keeping my chin up and working to improve my life, slowly or not.
|
|
|
[19 May 2008|11:48am] |
I should update this so that you're all dazzled by my epic awesomeness.
Maybe shortly.
|
|
| One dollar... |
[17 Mar 2008|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
...is all I have in my checking account at the moment. "Checking account." That's the official name for it. I've written maybe two checks in the 15 months I've had a bank account, ha. A debit card is much more convenient. This debit card would be put to more use right now if my last paycheck would hurry up and process. See, we're not supposed to have our paychecks until Friday, but we can usually pick them up on Thursday. The recent shenanigans of Tony, a co-worker of mine, irritated Danny (my boss) enough that he decided not to give us paychecks until Friday anymore (several other rules were imposed in this co-worker's wake). This decision was short-lived, however, because Tony quit a week ago. He appeared an hour late on Sunday because he was somehow unaware of the Daylight Savings Time shift, and after being scorned by Danny, Tony threw his hat into the fryer and basically walked out. So, paychecks were available on Thursday once again, and Bliss told me this over the phone. I showed up Thursday afternoon around 3:45 to pick it up, only to be told by Sarah and Melissa that they hadn't received their checks yet and that they were unaware they'd be receiving them that day. Neither Danny nor Mandy were present to keep me informed or give me a check, and the bank was mere minutes away from closing, so I shrugged it off and left. After work the next morning/afternoon, I received and then deposited my check; unfortunately, deposits made after 2 at Regions are not processed until the next day, and even worse, deposits made after 2 on a Friday aren't processed until several days later (I've had a check not process until Wednesday). All the money I decided to pocket and what I had remaining in my account from the last check went to either food or gas. (By the way, I worked the morning shift on Friday because I had no school that week, for those of you who happen to be curious.)
Anyway, it kinda sucks that I have merely a dollar to my name at the moment. What makes this even worse is that I am in debt to several people - my mother, my father, Bliss, Brian, Jessica, Dan, and whoever conveniently dropped the $10 bill on Steve's floor that paid for my trip to Hampshire Thursday night - and I eventually need to return Roseanna's car to her, the Buick that I've been borrowing for nine months now, and either fix the Taurus (unlikely) or invest in a different car. I have one tempting car proposition pending at the moment; I may discuss that in more detail at a later time. There are also a handful of concerts in the coming months that I would like to attend:
Megadeth, with In Flames, Children Of Bodom, Job For A Cowboy, High On Fire, 4/19 Louisville, KY or 4/20 Atlanta, GA
Probability of attending: Strong, I've generated enough interest among friends that this could be affordable and fun.
Bon Jovi, 4/24, Nashville
Probability of attending: Low; Bon Jovi will almost definitely be touring plenty more after this, and I have a stronger interest in a show that happens to be the day after.
Ministry, 4/25 Atlanta, GA
Probability of attending: Questionable; I'm not a big fan of Ministry, but I can appreciate their impact in the industrial metal scene, and this is supposedly their last tour. Unfortunately, I know of no other fans offhand.
Radiohead, 05/08 Atlanta, GA or 05/14 St. Louis, MO
Probability of attending: Low; there are several other shows I'm interested in, and this is far from Radiohead's last tour, I imagine. On top of that, neither of the shows I could drive to are during the weekend, and I will be missing several school days already for something else.
Mindless Self Indulgence, with The Birthday Massacre and Combichrist, 5/10, Atlanta, GA
Probability of attending: Almost definite; I love all of these groups, and I've stirred up a great deal of interest among pals of mine.
Bonnaroo, June 12-15, Manchester, TN
Probability of attending: Definite; the ticket has been paid for and I wouldn't miss this for anything.
Modest Mouse and R.E.M., 6/21, Atlanta, GA
Probability of attending: Moderate; I'm not obsessed over either band, but they're both pretty damn good... and if nothing else, Billy would like to go!
This all sounds improbable, but I'll actually be receiving a respectable check from the school this week for grant money left over from school fees. On top of that, there's very little else I'm interested in over the comings months (Grand Theft Auto IV and I don't know what else offhand), and the concerts will be made much more affordable if friends can pitch in on gas and lodging fees.
What this blog is boiling down to:
I'm broke right now, but in a few days - possibly mere hours - I will be in a much more comfortable position. There's a bunch of stuff I wanna do in the near future. I've come to terms with not always being able to do what I want, but if I plan well enough, there could be many interesting developments on the way. Also, I should probably move in with Ivy, since Georgia seems to be calling for me repeatedly.
More to come eventually.
Babbling over.
|
|
| Phoenix |
[16 Dec 2007|12:52pm] |
If he doesn't stop being such a dickhead, I think I am going to have to track him down and punch him.
What the fuck is his problem these days?
|
|
| The cake is a lie |
[06 Dec 2007|03:49pm] |
|
And I'll know you've returned when the aging wail of the aquatic life takes me by surprise.
|
|
| KMFDM - Wrath (A dedication) |
[17 Nov 2007|08:35am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
KMFDM - Xtort (album) |
] |
I have nothing more to say about you that I haven't expressed before. However, today is a very special day. As a gift, I dedicate to you a song that evokes memories of you both wonderful and miserable each time I hear it.
***
Who's the artsy anarchist?
Who's the magic masochist?
Who's that piggish postulator?
Who's that anal agitator?
Who is who?
Who is who?
Who the hell are you?
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
Who's the heinous plagiarist?
Who's the sexy Satanist?
Who's that manic masturbator?
Who's the cryptic constipator?
Who is who?
Who is who?
Who the hell are you?
Do you love me?
I'm the salt in your wound
Do you really love me?
I'm the fist in your face
Do you love me?
I'm the thorn in your side
Do you really love me?
I’m the devil in disguise
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
I’m the devil in disguise
Who is who?
Who is who?
Who is who?
Who is who?
Who the hell are you?
I'm the salt in your wound
I'm the fist in your face
I'm the thorn in your side
I’m the devil, I’m the devil in disguise
***
Happy birthday.
|
|
| Hellgate |
[22 Oct 2007|04:04pm] |
Got an interesting email today:
"Welcome to the Hellgate: London Beta Test!"
Hellgate will be in stores on Halloween.
Thank you, Bill Roper. Thank you very much for this invitation.
|
|
| Bookmarks |
[08 Sep 2007|12:47pm] |
|
Trying to sort my Firefox bookmarks is like attempting to reconstruct Stonehenge.
|
|
| And I, Tal, the awesome king... |
[19 Aug 2007|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hot |
] |
have grown so tired of the same old thing...
***
I left this evening with Brian to stay in Martin for a short while. Presumably we'll be back home early Monday evening, but who knows for sure? We're here long enough to spend some time with our dear gal pal Maggie. Might do a few other things, see some other people too. I'm not sure. Chances are everyone else will be busy, or I won't feel like doing much else beyond what is already planned.
About as soon as we departed I was overwhelmed with an unnaturally strong negative feeling. I hadn't forgotten anything that I could think of... I was already braced for the two and a half hour drive of boredom (which didn't turn out so badly; Brian and I managed to talk the whole time)... and while I do feel miserable still that I can't talk to a certain someone I hold near and dear, I knew that wasn't the source of my awkward sensation. Paranoia. I had, and still have, a feeling that something is going to go wrong back at home during our stay far and away. Somethin's gonna fall apart, I feel; someone will be hurt. And somehow I'll find myself in the middle of it. Hopefully I'm wrong, but in the few times I've felt this way it's usually proven to be for a reason.
My presence in Martin is an atypical one. Somehow it feels so natural still even provided that I've only been here twice in three months, today excluded. At the same time, though, the school itself feels so... foreign to me. I don't mind being in the town, but I don't know that I could ever bring myself to return to the institution. Dorms, sure. Classrooms, yikes.
Sometimes I wish my life here in Martin hadn't turned out quite the way it did. The educational aspect was certainly wasted, and I wish I had made better, more entertaining use of the oodles of free time I had allotted for myself while I was here. I didn't permit myself Tons O' Fun until the last two months or so. Nevertheless, it was a learning experience in a very different way than intended, and I am grateful for that much.
***
Assorted drivel:
For the few of you that don't know, I got a job recently at Junkyard Dog, a steakhouse in Hohenwald. It's been... interesting. Time-consuming for sure, but it's my sole distraction at the moment and it's rakin' in some cash for me. More on that in another blog entry, hopefully within the next few days.
KMFDM may not tour the U.S. again until 2009 :( A lot will have happened by then... I'll be able to buy booze (LOL ALCOHOLISM), and depending on what educational/career path I pursue, I may even have a "real" job at that time. This could be interesting. Damn, what a wait.
I finished a book recently for the first time in months or even years. Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer. Some of the dialogue is cheesy and it is very clearly a female-oriented book, but it was far more engaging than most of my reading material for high school. Borrowed it from Chelsey many moons ago, and since I had the time to spare I finally got around to reading and finishing it. And now... uh... I don't know what to do with it.
I was gonna say more, but damn, I'm hot 'n sweaty 'n tired 'n stuff. Until later days...
oh, and I still can't live this way
|
|
| Grateful |
[13 Aug 2007|08:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
Shannon spoke to me, for the first time in over two years.
It was huge news to me, and enough to finally push me over the edge and shed a tear or two.
Now if only I were free of the rest of my long-standing burdens.
|
|
| Fun Facts |
[25 Jul 2007|12:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
KMFDM - Nihil (album) |
] |
Those of you who've been keeping close tabs on me the last few months know of my ordeal with Chelsey and her parents. Even despite the police involvement (which for the record didn't produce an actual restraining order, more like something akin to a "shoo! shoo!"), on and off I have attempted to contact her parents and sort things out. I've tried being honest, I've offered to compromise for them. I was willing to bend over backwards just to patch things up and maybe have another family to be comfortable with. This has led to virtually nothing.
Chelsey and I convened last night. Not alone, mind you - we have not been alone since before the shit first hit the fan - but with her sister Stratton in tow. She sat in Chelsey's car while Chels and I spoke... first we were just cuttin' up and having pleasant conversation, then her sister texted her something akin to "If you kiss him you're gettin' in trouble!" so we did not take things beyond a hug. The conversation quickly shifted to our seemingly neverending woes, which basically boiled down to her saying her parents would never accept me and we might as well call it quits. 'course, she's said this a handful of times before and it amounted to squat because she would come back clamoring for me within 24 hours, but to hear it in person was much more heart-wrenching. I had very little to say to her, other than expressing my disdain for our situation and wishing her parents would get to know me better.
She left. I texted her mother immediately afterwards... I cannot remember precisely what I said in the note, but it was something along the lines of, "It's been over three months since everything fell apart, and I wish you'd come to know me. The last 8 years have been hell for me and I would like for just this one thing to work out. I'd like to get to know you and make amends." Et cetera, et cetera. I got no reply then, as I anticipated would be the case; I wasn't exactly expecting a reply at all but it would've been nice.
Shortly afterward, Chelsey and I continued our lamenting, our whining and boohooing. She asked what I want, I said I wanted answers. I wanted her... I wanted to be friendly with her parents... but most of all, I wanted some damned answers. I wanted her parents to tell me what they had against me, why we couldn't see each other, when or if I had any hope, why they saw fit to ignore my reaching out. And she suggested that I call her father after work today.
So today comes around, I enter and leave work... and I hesitate to call. I was afraid I'd lose my composure, or that I'd completely forget what I wanted to say or ask. Now, I honestly don't remember if I made a call or received a call first - I may have tried calling Chelsey's dad first, but I know I was brought to an answering machine. And I left a message asking all the questions I could think of offhand and offering to leave them alone completely if I could just get some straight facts. I wasn't going to ask for her back, I was just going to ask why things are the way they are.
At 5 I'm sitting at the computer just typin' away at something... 5:15 or so, I get a few messages and a voice mail. Chelsey told me her mom was about to call, and she did. One major problem, though, is that the phone's service fluctuates in and out in the room I was occupying, and I got all of this a little late. The call went straight to voicemail. Her mom said she'd appreciate it if I left them alone, that she didn't have a problem with me but didn't want her daughter involved with me (which makes very little sense to me, but, ok). After finally picking up on the voicemail, I replied with the following two texts:
"I'm currently somewhat busy, my apologies. I appreciate the call, but that doesn't answer much for me. I would appreciate knowing why you think she doesn't need to be involved with me. Answer my inquiries and I will gladly leave you be. For the record, I have your number because Chelsey chose to text me with your phone several months back.
"You barely know me. Anything you do know now has very little foundation - not trying to insult you, just speaking what I know. I invite you to know me better, even if that does not immediately involve your daughter. I also invite you to call back around 6."
6:10 rolls around and I assume she's not gonna call me... so I message her one more time.
"Ten minutes past 6, I don't suppose you'll be calling me as I invited. I will take it upon myself to call you midday tomorrow, then, unless you opt to call sooner. Do you realize that I'd be much less of a thorn in your side if you would simply talk to me? There are a select few things I'm dying to ask; surely you know the answers or else we wouldn't be caught up in this mess in the first place. Who knows, maybe if you talked to me a bit we might come to enjoy each other. We could always wipe the slate clean, put our worries behind us and start anew. Disregarding whether you'd allow that or not, I'd like to talk. I understand being non-confrontational, but this is important to me. Simply ignoring me will not turn me around."
Shortly following this, Chelsey warned me that her dad was about to call. She also begged and pleaded for me not to tell them I'd been talking to her. She said that if I loved her... I wouldn't say anything of it. Hell. I do love her, but if her parents were to ask, I was gonna fess up to it right then and there. I was sick of being caught up in a web of lies and deceit. Even if I did say I hadn't, they could've found out otherwise. No sense in stretching the truth.
But at this point I was about to ram my head into a wall. I shut off the phone and stepped outside to have about 15 minutes to myself. Came back in, turned on the phone, her dad left this:
"Talmadge, this is Chelsey's dad. I've got a big problem, and I need you to call me..."
Word for word, with the exception of his name and phone number so that my pals or random internet people don't start showing up at his door with pitchforks and torches.
I tried callin' back, left him a message. (This I know happened then, but I still am unsure if I called him prior to this or not; everything else I recall pretty well.) Said I just wanted some answers, and I'd leave 'em alone if I got 'em.
7 o'clock, I decide to drive to the park to get away from Brian's. I needed a change of scenery, a walk, something refreshing. Mom calls me on the drive there and says she just got off the phone with Chelsey's dad. Odd, I thought, that he would call over there... but I guessed he assumed I must've been over in Clifton if I wasn't answering my phone. They talked for about 30 minutes, and he said that his wife was apparently devastated by what I had said and was rushing to the police department to file a warrant for my arrest. There I was with my heart pounding so hard that I thought it'd shoot out. Then Mom tells me he persuaded Chelsey's mom to turn around and get home... instant cooldown for me. Her dad wanted to sort it out without any police involvement. I was also told that Chelsey's mom told Chelsey's dad I had called her 13 times. I didn't call her once. That was a bona fide lie on her part, ladies and gentlemen. But Mom and Chelsey's Mom were supposed to talk it out at around 8... so I bid my time until then in the park.
8:10 or so, Chelsey finally gives in and tells her parents we'd still been texting. Within minutes I get this:
"I'm done. We're done. No more. Anything. Everything."
So either her parents pressured her to do it, or she grew weary of the chaos, or both. Any which way it went, I know that the few messages I sent after that went unanswered. It was a sudden and disappointing stab in the heart of the situation.
I call Mom and ask if she'd talked to Chelsey's mom yet. Nope, she says, she had nothin'. I was a little flustered... I thought to myself, if they're gonna give false hopes to and brush off anybody, don't let it be my poor ol' mom. Sometime after 9 the call came through, though. Mom was on speakerphone with Chelsey, her dad, and her mom. Chelsey's mom said I called her 16 times - a big lie made bigger - Chelsey's dad said he got a voice message from me, which was the truth, and Chelsey apparently confirmed in this conversation that she wanted to kill it all off. On a somewhat positive note, my mother asked if I had threatened or engaged in any physical violence with any of them, and while they wouldn't answer that at first, they caved and admitted I didn't. Comforting. Anyway - I didn't like how I wasn't invited to the roundtable to pitch in my two cents, but obviously my opinion is unimportant. They said they thought I was a child predator... and this...
This pisses me off.
She is 16. I am 19. Three years difference. Legal in Tennessee, long as parental consent is there. Which it wasn't, but I wanted to work on that. How talking to someone this close to my age makes me a child predator, I don't understand. 14 sure, 15 maybe. But 16... agh. I suppose there's not a damn thing I can do to wipe off that Sex-Seekin' Slimebag image. I am fucking sick of this. I'm sick of thinking of sex. Had we talked about it? Sure. Would I date someone I wasn't sexually attracted to? No. But damn it, I grew tired of all my previous relationships being NOTHING but raunchy conversation (but practically no action, for the record) and I wanted something where substance outweighed sleaze. Yeah, physical desire grows pretty strong when you haven't seen your partner in a while, but a hug and a kiss would satiate me. I would wear a damn chastity belt if that's what it would take for this to work. And if all I wanted was some action, I would've left Chelsey by the wayside right after the night things fell apart. If all I wanted was to prey on little girls, hell, there are a ton that tell me I'm a fine lookin' fella, I could probably line up about a dozen and screw 'em all. This is Hohenwald/Hampshire/surrounding areas we're talkin' about; if I wanted a quick lay I could summon one with the snap of two fingers. That's not what I want, though. That's not what I want. Damn it.
What I wanted was for Chelsey's parents to simply help me resolve my own unaddressed curiosities. If they wanted me gone then, fine. If they would've welcomed me back after a little negotiation, excellent. But no, I've got no answers, all I've got is a restraining order - a true restraining order - coming my way in short time. Chelsey's got her little hole she's dug. Her mom's got false words and premature judgment to stick with. Her dad... he's got something, I don't know; for the most part he seemed nice and actually thinks (or thought) decently of me. And he saved my ass from a potential stay in the slammer, so I owe him one. But here we are back where we started about 24 hours ago, with a restraining order bonus... my questions go unanswered, and as far as I know their entire family remains non-confrontational, uncompromising, and quick to judge. To quote KMFDM's "Disobedience," it's a war with no winners. (Yes, it's lame of me to use that reference, oh well)
I guess it's over. I hope Chelsey's parents get a look at this blog, and I maintain one last shred of hope that they take my words to heart, particularly the desire to be honest and me wanting a lot more than hanky-panky... but my hopes and dreams have been taken out to pasture and mauled into bite-sized morsels for everyone to nibble on courtesy of my lengthy rant.
I really wanted this to be the blog that signaled a new beginning. I wanted it to be concise, and I wanted to say that I had emerged victorious. Even as much as I hate to flaunt what I've got, I dreamed of getting a picture of Chelsey and I in a cute embrace and posting it for all the world to see. I haven't managed to get a picture of myself with a girlfriend in four years... it would've been dandy.
But no, none of that will be mine, apparently, 'cause I got trapped. I will maintain until the day I die that I was not the victimizer here, but the victim.
(And now that I've had a little time to think about it, the only logical explanation I can think of for the "16 calls" claim is that my gigantic text messages were broken into bits, since Chelsey's sent messages seemed to do the same, and Chelsey's mother discarded them without even giving them a glance. At least it's not completely preposterous, unlike something like "Talmadge pulled a gun on me!" or what-have-you.)
|
|
| Talk |
[09 Jul 2007|06:55pm] |
Why do old friends see fit not to reply to my messages when I drop a "hello" and a "how are you"? What did I do to fall out of my friendship with them? Is it simply that we haven't spoken in so long? Why do I get no reply when someone posts a goofy "talk to me" bulletin and I try to initiate a conversation? Why would anyone add you and not talk to you at all?
Why can people not be compelled to at least write "Well, I'd rather not speak to you" if they don't wanna talk? Some explanation why would be great too, but anything is better than nothing.
Communication is puzzling.
|
|
| Dear Insolent Fools |
[13 Jun 2007|03:17pm] |
Before you gossip about me or a situation relevant to me, I request that you contact me and ask to have the facts straightened out for you. Better yet, if someone you know is curious about my situation, STOP. Call me or someone in my vicinity. Allow me to speak with them. Sit them down at a computer and have them speak with me via MSN/AIM/Yahoo/etc. Whether I want them to know the truth or not, I'm a very open person and can probably do a much better job of conveying the true story than you would ever be capable of. If by some chance I decline to fill you in, don't speculate. If you deserve to know anything, I guarantee you will find out; otherwise, you have no business in my business.
Also - I call this the Candice Rule - if you aren't at all a part of the situation, you have no right to adopt a holier-than-thou attitude or pretend as though your thoughts on the matter have any bearing whatsoever. You certainly cannot tell me what to do. You are not relevant.
Kids, if ever you should have any doubt, then I request that you do one thing:
Shut the fuck up.
|
|
| Poisoned Fishbowl |
[12 Jun 2007|12:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
Nothing... is... working!
* Sank $250+ into the car only for it to die completely
* My money has now sunk below the triple digits and I have no job. Put in some apps though.
* I still have no clue what I'm going to about an education this fall. (Granted, this is entirely my problem and I shouldn't list it as a complaint)
* My sound card is not working, at all.
* I'm borrowing Roseanna's car in the meantime but even it is starting to sound a little funnier than when I started driving it, after less than a week.
* The lady and I split it off Sunday (I guess...?) because her parents absolutely refuse to budge in our favor
* Her asshole friend Candice decides to give me a hard way to go and uses Chelsey's phone to send me several messages telling me that everything that has happened between Chelsey and I is my fault and I'm a terrible person and so on and so forth; this boils my blood since she clearly does not understand what has been transpiring and has no business meddling in my affairs, and the blood-boiling almost completely deprives me of sleep Sunday night/Monday morning
* Chelsey says "I don't want you to hate me" several hours before Doofus berates me, and I try asking Chelsey what the hell the meaning of all this is... only to have Dad tell me just now that he neglected to pay the cell phone bill, therefore I cannot send or receive calls or text messages. Good timing!
What... the... HELL is next?
Look, I complain a lot...
But I haven't had this much trouble with life in a very long time.
|
|
| Savor Trout |
[10 Jun 2007|03:45pm] |
If you've braced yourself for more tales of woe and distress, then you've come well-prepared, reader. I've very few positive things to say.
I should go ahead and confirm that my stifling romantic situation continues to be cumbersome, but I am bearing with it to the best of my ability and with a smile on my face when she crosses the mind. For now I'll not dwell on that, though. I have equally large fish to fry, which are unfortunately not nearly as appetizing.
Minnow
The ol' '93 Ford Taurus SHO started giving me trouble when the summer came, just as it did last year. Beyond it being capable of taking me from point A to point B, it's also been blessed with the ability to foresee when I have plenty of free time and am pursuing the fun life... and it says, "You ain't doin' nothin' fun you sunnuvabitch!!!" The 13-month-old radiator cracked, had to replace it for $90 (they spared me the cost of the radiator itself, thankfully). A motor valve broke, there went $165. Then on my way to take Rhea and a friend of hers to the Naruto movie showing in Nashville on Wednesday, the motor decided to shoot a rod into the fresh new radiator and put the entire car out of commission, forcing me to pull to the side of I-40 as smoke billowed from the car and green radiator ooze flowed from under the hood. I deem the car "Kerrigan." She was nice at first, but before too long she'd become a psycho wench.
I am partial to "Kerrigan" despite all her troubles, and do seek to drive her again... after collecting around a thousand dollars to fix her woes.
Bass
I believe I've managed to destroy my sound card. Or something. While searching behind Brian's computer desk for an ethernet cable, I accidentally yanked out the output from the sound card with my foot... and after re-inserting it while the speakers were on, Windows keeps tellin' me a DirectSound driver is corrupt. Tried reinstalling DirectX, tried reinstalling the X-Fi drivers only to be told no sound card was detected, tried re-enabling the onboard audio... no dice.
Salmon
I have in my possession around a hundred dollars. That's counting what's in my wallet, what's in my deposit, and what's in my savings. (Not sure what's in my elephant bank but it's mostly pennies.) And I've no job... which is bad when you wanna go to some concerts, unrealistically aspire to go to California for a few days, buy some upcoming video games, possibly take your lady friend out on some dates, and have a good time in general.
So, I took it upon myself to pick up applications from Hardee's, Pizza Hut, and Movie Gallery. Four people quit Hardee's in the span of a week, so prospects are good there. Pizza Hut needs a driver, though that'd be a last resort, given that I'm borrowing Roseanna's car. And Movie Gallery? I don't know, but that'd probably be the easiest job in town. And those of you who know me well know that I like to put forth the least effort possible.
I still want to maintain some free time, though. Here's hoping.
Guppy
My further education is still up in the air. UT Martin was a failure, and I'm not sure that I want to go to another traditional institute. Might go to the vocational school in Hohenwald... but I'm not sure if they have anything that interests me. I still can't say for sure I know what I want to do with my life.
Whew...
Rough, rough, rough.
I have much more I wish to say in regards to a great many things, but for now, I'll keep quiet.
|
|
| Kerrigan... |
[19 May 2007|02:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
Shall we rendezvous once more?
Starcraft II. It's about time.
|
|
| Ctrl-Alt-Del |
[18 Apr 2007|01:11pm] |
The ol' three-finger salute is nice sometimes when you wanna kill a program... but every now and then, Windows Task Manager won't actually End Task no matter how many times I tell it to.
This is why we need the I'm Not Even Fucking Kidding You Task Manager.
|
|
| The death knell for UT Martin. |
[05 Apr 2007|05:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
In about one month, my stay here at the University of Tennessee at Martin will have concluded. For how long? Most likely forever.
"Forever" in the right context is still an incredibly powerful word.
I'm not sure if I am braced for the finale.
Don't get me wrong, I have hated this campus since the moment I arrived, and I have loathed the college experience prior to the moment I even began to experience it. I despised being force-fed what basically amounted to this: Following high school, the only practical step is to attend college, and you will fail miserably if you choose otherwise. I resented the concept. As you can probably surmise by now, my contempt reaches quite a way back.
Supplementing that, a few people - my father especially - had always told me that the college experience would change my life. I doubted it, but as with most things in life I wanted the first-hand experience anyway; I wanted to pass on tales of good times or stories of despair to my friends and loved ones. I have now lived the experience, with the exception of the productivity that usually comes with it, and I have found myself in possession of more memories, good and bad, than I ever would've imagined.
And I don't want those to be all that I retain. In these last few weeks, I would like to reach beyond World of Warcraft, which I have committed almost the entirety of the last month to. I want, at least one more time...
to go on a ride with Megan, Gerald, Tim, and Markus, or some portion of the four, and to bask in their good company as they discuss the intellectual and the insignificant.
to somehow convince, or at least know that I have convinced, Gerald and possibly Tim that I wanted more than to be a fair-weather cigarette-bumming loser of a friend, that I take interest in each one's respective well-being no matter what they do or what my friends think of them.
to hear Skoda carry on about music, ladies, everything and nothing.
to visit Union City with Brian, Zak, and possibly others, if only to eat sushi and find the heir to Antoinette the Jello Square's throne in the fridge.
to hang out with Maggie and possibly Candace, if only to figure out what in the everloving hell went so wrong that we haven't had a jolly time since October. (This one being particularly significant because Maggie, last I checked, is going far and away after this school year and it would destroy me to leave this unresolved in person for eternity)
to go out for ice cream or some such thing with Joanna.
to indulge in a White Owl with Middleton while we engage in idle chatter, and possibly go to a far-away city with him again for more crazy times and possibly another madcap drive through Fulton.
to spend time with Martha in some capacity, though there never really was a first time for this and I only picked up on her name a few days ago after seven months of wondering.
to trot about campus with Eric and absorb his unique perspective on some of my woes.
to do... something with Rory and Dylan, possibly something that involves Brandy, Lesley, and/or Lindsey as well, just because they're pretty nice guys to an angsty and disoriented teen like myself.
All this, and possibly more, is what I would like to do with my remaining time in Martin. Realistically I will probably be underwhelmed to some extent, but they say that the thought's what counts, and I have pondered these things a great deal. Granted, I will still have somewhat easy visiting access to these people (with only one clear exception), but as our lives head in different directions, the opportunities will be few and far between. And oh, how totally different our situations will be, considering that the majority of my friends here are either graduating or flunking the hell out like me. A radical shift's in store for the future, and I can't say I'm entirely satisfied with the direction that either I am taking my life or my life is taking me, but I must come to terms with working around my inadequacies rather than letting myself fall into a state of constant lamentation.
This was refreshing. If nothing else, I found an opportunity to remind myself how ridiculous I look and sound when I'm bawling. Oh, Martin... whatever will I do without you?
|
|
| Talk |
[22 Mar 2007|04:59am] |
Talk is cheap, and talk is shit.
I'm the motherfucker, and yet I am the one royally fucked, as well.
I'm the mystic mind reader too, or so it would seem. I'm the man of magic.
People expect me to know things they don't tell me. People expect me to improve when I don't know what's wrong.
People don't tell me what the fuck I've goofed up because they think I can't or won't fix it, I guess. And why talk things out? Nobody has the patience; they either want to run away or beat the shit out of me. I've had people resort to the former and never come back, and during our worse years my dad and I came to the brink of resorting to the latter.
Hell, I was abusive once. One mishap on my little sister's part and I would slam her to the floor and kick the piss out of her. So much as an awkward eye from my mentally retarded sister and I would tackle her and beat her until she bled.
I want to be a better man though - I want to be a genuine man, not these machismo, self-centered, holier-than-thou "men" - but it's difficult because nobody else wants me to be. Nobody else will help me improve. And goodness forbid I can sort out a fucked-up situation.
Sex is one of the greatest sensations on earth, and also something prone to cause disaster and heartbreak. I want sex. I want to have sex with those I love, I want to have sex with people who no longer choose to associate with me, I want to have sex with people in between. I want to feel terrific even though with certain people I would almost inevitably feel miserable afterward for my actions.
Love is probably the greatest sensation on earth, period; too bad it is so susceptible to immediate change. Or at least change that seems immediate when you are kept in the dark. And no, I am not taking a swipe at only one person here.
There was also Allison.
Allison made me a really bitter sunnuvabitch. It took years before I could get over what she did to me. And hell, compared to some people, it wasn't even that bad.
We had a peaceful conversation once shortly after I was diagnosed with celiac disease. She has since that day not logged onto that AIM account once, not on my watch anyway.
Wouldn't it be funny if Allison kept up with all my blogs still and I was just completely unaware of it?
Wouldn't it be funny if everything just... worked? You know, as it should?
Wouldn't it be funny if this inquiry didn't end with a question mark.
Oh shit, I'm the jester.
I'm the optimist when all is dismal. I'm the pessimist when all will be well.
I'm the loyal lover and the sudden seducer.
I'm the intelligent fellow who has allowed himself to slip into a life dependent on alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, sexual activity, and World of Warcraft for anything with any semblance of joy. The clean fun and intellectual conversations have taken a backseat, and shit, I think they're locked in.
The doors are fucked. The outside and inside is fucked.
I'm the American nightmare.
I'm the salt in your wounds,
I'm the fist in your face,
I'm the thorn in your side,
The devil... the devil in disguise
|
|
| Stupidity FTL |
[05 Mar 2007|01:35pm] |
So how many people here are drinkers or smokers? A few of you, maybe? I'm sure if you've read the warnings on cigarette packages, beer bottles, etc. - which we all at least poke fun at from time to time - it's stated very clearly that drinking or smoking can cause birth defects or pregnancy complication. To quote a news article I dug up on Fark a few years ago, "That is a bad thing. That is not a good thing."
So why am I seeing pictures of pregnant girls on Myspace with Marlboros, margaritas, and the like?
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dark_inchworm's journal